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Roddy’s Rant 4

February 6, 2003 Columns No Comments


Roddy’s Rant: The Instant Replay, The Instant Replay, The Instant . . .

by Chris Roddy

I’m a blond. One joke that never gets old for some of my friends lacking drollness is:

Q: How do you get a blond to drown himself?
A: Give him a bottle of shampoo that says, “Rinse, Lather and Repeat.”

Hilarious stuff, really.

It would be silly of me to try and segue my disdain for a bad joke into a debate about the use of instant replay in major sporting events. Instead, I’ll try and use a little old fashioned humor and some insightful references to express my opinion.

Ok, I admit it. I really have no idea if instant replay should or shouldn’t be allowed for use in athletic competition. So, in order to evaluate if I like the idea, I’ve decided to run a few experimental tests on theoretical everyday situations. We’ll walk through each scenario and rate how well the replay (and therefore possibility for a do-over) stacks up against unaided human decision.

Here’s the lo-down on the rating system:

Rating: “David Hasselhoff”
Instant Replay: is a 55 year-old lifesaver in a Speedo

Rating: “Andy Dick”
Instant Replay: is bi-curious and could go either way

Rating: “Pauly Shore”
Instant Replay (and his career): Just Plain Wrong

Experiment No. 1

[Tuesday, 6:23PM, at home]

Edgar just finished eating dinner. His significant other comes into the room smiling and asks how his day was. Edgar pauses for a second and then starts to tell her about how he had the best lunch with his boss (who happens to be a super attractive woman). Edgar goes on and on about how intense his working relationship is and he really feels that by working with Susie, he’s learning about himself. The significant other is starting to look a little edgy and displeased.

Edgar continues to blather on and on until she excuses herself from the room.

After all that, he gets up and walks toward the kitchen to deposit his dirty dishes. On the way he stubs his toe.

Rating: David Hasselhoff

Who likes stubbing his/her toe? Of course you want a do-over! Huh? What about telling about his relationship with . . . ohhhhhhhhhhh. Oops. Instant replay saves the day and relationship.

Experiment No. 2

[Time irrelevant, but in case you really need it to set the scene: Friday, 10PM, a local watering hole]

Steve’s put away one too many vodka cranberry’s (Who says it’s a wussy drink?) and decides to mouth off to the abnormally humungous chap next to him. For some reason, he also decides to see if he can get away with asking the big guy if he’s Richard Simmons or at the very least, Richard Simmons’ brother.

Steve wakes up, confused and inside of a garbage container bin in the middle of Who-The-Hell-Knows-Where Village. No clothes, no undies and no wallet. Just some faded lipstick writing on his chest that seems like it says, “My name is Richard Simmons. Please show mama how to work it.”

Rating: Pauly Shore

Think about it. If you chose to redo this, then you’d probably have to: decide to not drink any more — in order to not lose control – in order to not curse out the big mean guy – in order to not end up in a dumpster naked. The way I’d look at it, he’s probably going to kick your butt either way. Why the heck would you want to relive THAT experience again?

Experiment No. 1

[Saturday, 11:45AM, at the bank]

A long day of work has Tyrone so tired he can barely get the keys to his apartment out of his pocket. He’s broke and of course, hungry as all hell. Tyrone walks himself over to the fridge in order to appease the murmurs from Mister TumTum. The unusually bright fluorescent light illuminates:

– a half empty chunky peanut butter jar
– a half empty jelly jar
– some really really old taco shells
– some chocolate syrup

He waits a second and then starts to grab each item and a plate . . .

Rating: Andy Dick

At the time, if hungry, poor and lazy enough, you could probably enjoy a sandwich made with hardened taco shells and various condiments. Yet, the repercussions on your digestive system the next morning could be so severe that you actually feel your stomach weeping with tears of confusion and pain. A replay might not make new food appear, but you might consider going to bed on an empty belly.

Conclusion?

I guess I am no closer to being an advocate or enemy of instant replay. Every situation is relative. I can honestly say I wouldn’t really want to wake up nude in a dumpster (although that time back in ’97 is a memory I’ll always cherish). The argument that instant replay helps atone for human error doesn’t work for me. I screw up every single day of my life and don’t get a do-over. How else would I learn from mistakes if I always got a chance to be perfect? I like when I mess up. It helps keep me grounded. Besides, if I didn’t screw up a lot of great things would never have come about in my life.

I was driving out to Michigan to see a friend of mine. It was a solo trip. I’ve never actually driven across the entire country but have made lengthy excursions to parts of the Midwest and South. In any case, I made a wrong turn. Really wrong. I ended up at this biker bar/diner in the middle of the woods. I went in to try and figure out how to get back to Planet Earth and saw four really old guys and a hard-nosed beefy woman behind the counter. Figuring that it was about time for dinner, and not knowing how long until I found another food establishment before slumbering in my tent for the night, I sat down. Those five individuals: Eddie, George, Oscar, Tom and Luanne, told me some of the greatest stories I’ve ever heard. I left there with meatloaf, mashed potatoes w/carrots and three pieces of rhubarb pie in belly. And a memorable evening filled with wisdom, advice and laughs.

Mistakes are not meant to be erased and forgotten about. You learn from them. You grow from them. And sometimes, you just take the road that’s not “supposed” to be taken and it’s all for the better. Like the Robert Frost poem, I chose the road less traveled, and it’s made all the difference.

     

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